5 gallon bucket

oh its not so bad, i just like to vent, my VAG hurts

Wed, 10 May 2006 04:17:10 GMT

bad news brings new beginnings. i just hope the news is bad enough. im tired of being poor....and lazy. im starting to feel better though, thanks a shitload male athetic support, for babysitting the boys while daddy's at work. i hate all doctors now. one of my back teeth chipped last night. i probably need to get that fixed. but i hate dentists more. god damn you quesadilla. i see change coming. only this time i know its real because its not exciting. more like that feeling you got when your parents woke you up to help them do something at 8osonofabitch a.m. while your head is screaming,"I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS MR. BEAM, YOU TOLD ME I LOVED ME.....gaaaatoraade.."
i owe people way too much money.....at least Ford Motor Company and Sunbelt Management Properties owes me more than i owe other people. i see im not the only deadbeat around here...and isnt it just gay... by monday i will probably (hopefully) have about $1,300 in my account. i now have 7 dollars to get me 5 days , and 1/4 tank of gas in the old 'service truck' that gets around 2 miles to the gallon.....and about 1/8 of a tank in the 'leisure vehicle'...and people will say, 'tim, why dont you sell the mustang?' well i would its just that i like to have an automobile handy that i feel confident about driving to....wedowee... in....
on a lighter note i spent the evening playing with my little niece and nephew...coolest people i know...and i am feeling a little more confident with how things are going to go. little by little im starting to actually give a crap about everything. i might even finish moving in to my apartment soon.

i got my best hair styling advice from a stripper......no shit - big up whiskey grrl

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 04:26:43 GMT

i need a haircut. it needs to be a good one. a DAMN good one. something that makes kevin spacey jealous. like 'playin in a movie with a southern accent' kevin. like "yes, they deserve to die and god damn what a haircut". like damn, that guy must have grown up with a black family. pierce brosnan runs across the yard and tackles me as i check my mail, "ya cheeky bastard, ya wanna live?" gets close to my ear and whispers "shave it off..." i wanna hear some old guy actually say "the cat's meow". like Mr T. calls me until it grows out, making obscene threats....of course he would call me 1-800-c-o-l-l-e-c-t, so i wouldnt have to accept the charges. i could walk around naked and no one will notice. ok this is going to far - prolly just gonna get a trim...

happy turkey day

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 09:46:52 GMT

twerked on my car this morning, drove to la grange. i ate until i was miserable at my moms house, watched cold case type shows on a&e with my mom until dark and drove home. it was actually a very good day. went to raymulkey's house, drank some adult beverages with him, looked up all the guys in the area on the yahoo! personals and laughed at them. then somehow i ended up looking at the girls in the 50 mile area......got me to thinkin about weird it is that i havent had a girl around in awhile. do i look gay? do i stink? bad hair style? is there a huge "jesus, look at/listen to that guy" flaw in me? it reminds me of the scene in crash (the new one), where matt dillon is in the burning car and says, "lady, im not gonna fuckin' hurt you". but see ive never molested anyone so.... i just dont understand - but god-damn it, i'll tell you one thing - im gonna find out. and hey , if i dig up anything about some rumor that i dont have a penis, or i smoke crank, or i have black syphilis, or my humor is too dry.....someone's just gonna have to die...or apologize....and give me $500 cash...with that little paper thing wrapped around the stack...or else

i was gonna get the internet untill about 45 seconds ago

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 05:08:59 GMT

fuck.....thats all i have to say

sleeping in the rain, leaves stuck to my elbows.....

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 05:32:02 GMT

slowly evolving, 10 steps ahead, 9 back. in hibernation from all things cultural. sleeping, numb and nauseatingly quiet.a state of renewal that has no remembered beginning and no end to speak of. in need of a dream, that same old dream to come to life, and click into place for good. if the one thing that makes us special dies, what are we supposed to be? i still feel that faint pulse, a sporatic throb now and again. a sunset, a full moon, the right pair of sunglasses, a perfect expression, a still frame from a scene, a mist of adrenaline injected into the system and combusts. one day i will unbury you and brush the clumped dirt from your threads and screw you into the receiver.
the soft burst of bright light. my shadow visible in its center. i hope the paralysis and static fades soon; i feel the focus, the sharpness coming, but ive felt that before.

whats new? hmmm

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 04:15:18 GMT

well i am a proud new owner of a ford rocketship w/ leather interior.
i know what the side of my prescription bottle was talking about when it told me to avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight. yeah...cutting several acres of grass for two days and going tubing on one of the hottest days of the year was a bad idea.so after an emergency docking, here i was driving down la grange road , cursing with blood curdling screams at the old lady driving 40mph, trying to get home before my skin fell off..... and at standing rock, i see the little message of the day at the church there....and i quote..."you think its hot now..." no shit.
i stopped cursing the old lady.....
ok no i didnt.........but i should have.....

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 01:21:43 GMT

and i shat on a turtle..........god i hate you guys

the fawfa jula

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 22:07:18 GMT

this weekend i am getting drunk, blowing up chinese light toys and what else? only jesus knows children, only jesus. i have the license of a grown damn man, and the sexual drive of a pyromaniac. in the spirit of bill pullman, former President of the United States of America, im gonna indepen dance like a dump truck, and dont even know what that means....

ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Emmitt Brown

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 09:03:16 GMT

ahhhh well an hour ago i typed about 300 words talking about the past week but i never clicked update......ehhhhhhhh...son of a bitch.

but again it doesnt really matter you see, because i do remember the first of it, and it starting out like this:

OK. im gonna write really fast because im tired, have a lot to catch you up on and, most importantly, the fact that 'you' is probably some 15 year old gay rich kid named gary whose thinks hes the shit because the leftover fireworks from the upcoming 4th of july got him a blow job from a retarded girl and 5 months from now he will stumble on this while either : google-ing for rtifishl sex organs or searching Yahoo! chat rooms for dirtifishylesbo, his friend carl down the street who pretends hes a lesbian to talk to chicks online.

and then after the body of this which was reallllly long and im not rewriting again, i ended with this:

damn that was a lot of work. you dont care. i dont blame you. ..........................

which......makes the point that the entire bulk, the 'meat', of this letter is just as useful to me as if i didnt enter it at all, which brings me here, to this entry, which is, by definition, equal to the lost one, and in itself very long.

time travel is not as glamourous as mike-to-the-j-to-the-fox made it out to be

It's the attack of the neo-white trash! welcome to the 21st century

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 22:51:10 GMT

What about me?
Well I was only rolled
He didn't rob me for food
It wasn't hunger, but a jonze
He needed a fix,
Someone will fix my broken bones
And I'll feel better in the morning
The pain will fade as time goes by
What was taken,
I won't miss, or I'll replace
Nevermind me, well I'm all right

-"where are you parked?"

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 10:00:35 GMT

thing i should have said no.3757493:

"Why, so you can see what kind of car I'm driving?"

I once had a teacher in elementary school that told me i was one of her favorite students because i just stared at her like a sponge, soaking up everything she said - after 2 years of facial reconstructive surgery, she never called me a sucker again.

tim is russian for a smelly bastardling

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 09:11:22 GMT

The world is an acrobat and i am the ground. i watch the remarkable show, and witness the vanity of your position in the circus. Thank the safety net for not letting me flatten whatever half of you falls first. As long as you keep with the eye candy, you won't have to stare at my cold unforgiving face the next time you fall. i can also do this with text: []D [] []V[] []D ,

HA!!!!! ya cant spell manslaughter without laughter!

just wanted to tell the world

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 03:47:25 GMT

im still alive, i have a torn leather couch, keys to 70 people homes, and tonight....my hair looks emaculate and i have a tasty drink in my hand .........you will worship me, and i will burn this mother down

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 23:19:50 GMT

where are all these people i used to know?

what happened to your faces, i miss them.

in the spirit of tired lyric spouting:

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down

I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

all 5,940,000,000,000,000,000,000 metric tons of it

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 23:22:57 GMT

ok, well i just came off of this little vacation that I like to call mood altering drugs. its weird as balls, but it feels like the old alien home again. i hate all people in general again, but i think im supposed to be misenthropic in a town like this. sorry if i havent been a good friend in the past few months, ive been swimming. if it feels like i dont like you anymore, either i dont, or my brain just doesnt acknowledge anyone else's existence, or anything else for that matter. here comes the rush of feeling, amazing to terrible. maybe now i can get something done, or die alone. either is ok.

if anyone knows why the abrupt cancellation of paxil to the zombie brain bone (which is connected to the toe bone) causes severe rushes and an overall feeling of lightheadedness and disorientation, please let me know. my doctor is gay, (he is indeed a homosexual) and is out of town.

today i work up to one hour photo, while sigur ros played on my alarm clock, fell back asleep and was late for work. still WOOZY i got in the attic and fumbled around, sweated a half gallon of Tim's Cure-All Frustration Syrum and Body Coolant. watched mr.de la hoya get beat up on my lunch break, which just made me tired. stumbled around the shop after work and ohmed out wires, while ralph got a rat dropped on him out of the ceiling. laughed at him but felt bad, haunta virus IS indeed a bitch. left early and went to pacify ralphs raging jones for a "snow cone" (shaved ice, bastard) which we got jipped on flavoring. ( as mr gooden says, 'never let fat people work for you') fell asleep at the apartment, woke up as everyone was leaving for rehersal. in my state, i left my lights on when i came back for lunch, and now im stuck here, with one cigarette and no way home. someone come in gorilla chainsaw-armed style, bash me in the head and take me to an open field.......leave your underwear and a role of electrical tape...i need a flag for this land.....and liquor...and drugs...and pop-tarts....

a haz-mat suitcase, and a smile like my name is keith

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 00:09:38 GMT

im going to move out to a rich suburb outside of a large city, and learn how to play the key-tar. im going to spit on anyone that calls it a moog, drive a toyota echo with the baby blue stripes, and say fuck only when i really mean it. stealing chiclets from the local grocery store will be my thrill, and i will kiss girls only on the cheek, but bang them like they tell everyone they dont want, but never turn down. i will do this not even to enjoy it, but to prove a moot point to a mutually unlistening crowd of people.

Fri, 07 May 2004 17:54:52 GMT

a small honda hackback is sputtering down the road, and im driving. as i drive i see luxury cars pulled over with the hoods up, nicely dressed people standing by them looking confused and uncomfortable. they see me coming and their expressions change to waiting impatiently for me to stop like i always do, and be the grease monkey i wasted my life being....so they can get to their important destinations on time. but i dont stop, i dont even slow down. in fact, i speed up, the little car letting out such an unpleasant racket. i watch the expressions change once again to surprise, a 'how dare you' with a small glipse of 'what am i gonna do now?' starting to show. theyll get off that road, soon enough, but not because of me.

this is not about anyone

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 03:34:37 GMT

im sitting in the back of a black lincoln with suicide doors, its raining lightly, with fat drops of rain beading up on the waxed black paint. clean and dressed well in a black suit and thin black tie, hair cut short. the inside of this vehicle is fine, and i am comfortably calm. the driver will not say a word to me as he has been instructed not to. he drives me to the destination, and stops slowely. bright orange climbs up the windows and lights up my face. the roof falls as the neighbors watch and the sooty water follows the path of the curb. the firemen watch as well, and the paramedics wait for the fire to go out so they can find the black bones, wrapped scarcely in carbon that used to feel. still looking out the window, still a blank and serious but calm face, i say to the driver, 'ok, we can go now'

'ive been waiting to do this for a long time' i think to myself, as i hear the relatives screaming and trying to run into the flames.

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 04:54:54 GMT

if my dreams were a video game, your little brother would be the coolest motherfucker in town.

.....go powerglove

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 02:16:15 GMT

i hate myself.

looking out to see what has happend because of me.........i dont have much to say about it....i cant even think about it

my heart just stopped beating..........

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 23:56:18 GMT

hey mega..lomaniac, you're no jesus, yeah you're no fucking elvis...........

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 10:58:13 GMT

i want to make it ok again, i hate the me you know. you love the me you dont.

this is only a sliver of my thoughts.........i have no outlets

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 09:47:54 GMT

music, singing, thoughts of singing to a crowd, making films, taking pictures, and playing guitar, and good memories are the only thing keeping me smiling right now. i hate it. i love it when im getting a cold chill while listening to certain songs, turned up way too loud, or when im singing at the top of my lungs, when you can feel how you sound. ive never been so excited in my life about these things, and I HATE IT. i keep getting so excited that i forget whats going on in my life, and soon i wake up in this...all of this.......IM FUCKING SUPERTIM...then im nothing, absolutely nothing......the boy who cried wolf....or im my case, something like a meteor shower, that i made happen, sold it like a goddamn bible story....and finally.......i felt what i knew i still had in me, something amoco and all its ugly accomplices of realityagainstme could make go away, but never stop. the crowd is walking away, and the girl whose window he climbed into to tell 'hey come and see it' finally turns her head and goes home, and then it shoots up the sky like the most beautiful war.............but noone was there.........

you son of a bitch...............they could have seen it from there houses, and came out to join you, and know you did it..........but there all gone now, even her.......the taste of vodka and blood........as he looks out at the moon.......what have i done now.......everyone is exhausted and im left holding up the sky.........

amongst the whales
and the waves, and screamed
liar, liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And his wooden body floated away.
He just drifed away.

And now I wonder how i was made...
my arms, my legs, my heart, my face,
my name is Driftwood.

because, john, you and i are on....the list

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 08:55:36 GMT

before you read the last entry, if you havent already, keep in mind:
its a journal, not a letter to you, or a conversation piece.
this is not for you, its for me. LET ME HAVE IT.

sub-remark: if you think u need to let off some steam, then, in this case as well.....LET ME HAVE IT.

"yes, i will burn the village to save it." - kathy bates, primary colors

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 08:48:10 GMT

i think im finally coming to the realization that noone truly cares. and this is not a drama queen, melancholy boy type statement. its just the truth.

i dont have friends, a friend is a mutual need to have someone in their life. noone needs me.

i have a lot of aquantances, and the few important ones, are only important because of past moments.

noone will ever be happy for me, the only two people that might would be my mom and my sister, and thats only if i did something with myself, noone will be happy for me being happy. and i thought to myself, before lay that tag on everyone, would you be happy for anyone? and i thought about it, really thought, without bias to the fact that its me im thinking about, and without trying to argue out of being guilty of it.....and the answer is YES, definately and completely. i dont know what that means exactly. im trying to think of this whole thing psychologically, and i cant be the only one different in the world. the only thing i can think of is i guess i just havent made that strong of a bond with anyone without tarnishing it with my own bullshit

everyone, whether they are too out of it with their own life, or ive been away from them so long because of work that it doesnt matter, or whatever, ive come to the beginning of the realization that noone thinks about me on a daily basis in a genuinely concerned way. noone has asked me whats wrong without me telling them. my brother is the only one that has come up to me and said, 'are you alright, man?' hes the last person in the world i would have expected.

dont jump to anything, im not blaming anyone, its just life......and thats the sad part. life is made up of being thrown into things with people, amusing eachother, pretending things, and going about separate ways.

im thinking of this at a cold distance, as far as possible, with sort of a diagnosis im trying to make. im a consultant for myself, trying to figure out my options. and right now, there are none. if i had a jodie to think about for everyone in my life, id still be as chipper and cold as i was when i was actually happy at work.

SUICIDE........so...cucucucuccontroversial. but before u think of me with the guitar string around my ceiling fan, just bear with me. the only option you have is to start allllll over and get a job, BROKE ASS, and move away. and you have to do something creative and artistic if your gonna be happy. well, im so sick of trying too hard, my mom has been right alot. im having trouble sleeping, 'your too tired, and your trying too hard' mom i cant do this, 'your trying to hard'......and all my life......'your never satisfied' ive tried so hard my brain is about to bust. i give up. and i cant leave and forget, and i cant just fall into doing creative things, BECAUSE IM TRYING TO HARD........and if you take away all of the selfish, 'everyone will be sad' sort of thoughts, and the fact that someone has to be horrified with finding your body, or the religious suicide is a dirty little sin idea, its just an end. so basically, the only thing stopping me is the fact that people will have to deal with it. i wont.

before you think im about to pull the trigger, or do anything, or even mentally masturbate with the idea of this being a cry for help, dont. its just a thought. i wouldnt tell you anyway.

basically, in short, the sooner i can get back to not giving a damn what happens about me or anything else, the better. straight faced, without a care, moving about like a being, instead of a human being